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Web Design Client Quotes

monkeygun

The Following is a thread from the year 2000, archived from the old Design Forum site, Dreamless. Have fun reading through all of the posts, there are a bunch of them.

disegnare | posted 10-19-2000 08:37 PM profile | email | edit

So I’m working on this site and when I originally met with the guy he like drew out the front page as a big block and broke it into sections and told me where to put things (basically he was playing designer for me). So I do the front page and I try to make it look nice and sort of edgy. This is the feedback I got from them a few hours later.
“please follow original instructions. we don’t want this page to look tricked out or computer generated…”
fucking brilliant.
Can anyone beat this comment?
I seriously doubt it.


Snailbite | posted 10-19-2000 08:42 PM profile | email | edit“our web site doesn’t load if I turn javascript off … please fix this”
*sigh*


No Joda | posted 10-19-2000 08:57 PM profile | email | edit“I need more pesshht peesshht chuttt chutt papapapa on this animation”
that is a direct quote


skaw | posted 10-19-2000 09:01 PM profile | email | edite-mail to client:
the functionality of the quiz is done. you can check it out <here> … note that this is only the functionality and the interface does not pertain.
client’s response:
i am not too sure about the interface, i like the colors, but it is too geometric.


Kraken | posted 10-19-2000 09:02 PM profile | email | editfrom today:
“We don’t think it’s communicating the message effectively, maybe if it said _______.”
Kraken
(‘So now you’re a copywriter,’ Kraken thought.)


toastedkitten | posted 10-19-2000 09:02 PM profile | email | edit“i want our side bar to look exactly like amazon’s. oh, here i am gonna send it to you, just use it…and then maybe make it kinda pastel, i hear that’s the new thing now, to make things look feminine.
I want the same font as useit.com uses, that guy really knows what he’s talking about!!”
:) no kidding.


niksah | posted 10-19-2000 09:12 PM profile | email | edit“can you guys make it more like a power-point presentation, you know, with the sliding text stuff and all?”


James Hephen | posted 10-19-2000 09:16 PM profile | email | editDesigner: “We should probably talk about the look and feel of the Web site before we get to work. Just explain how you would like it to look…”
Client: “Well, I don’t think we really want it to look too much like a Web site. You know what I mean?”
I looked at my partner who was about to burst into laughter. I didn’t know what to say except “Okay”.


jaimes | posted 10-19-2000 09:27 PM profile | email | edit“i checked with a friend and they said there definitely IS a rainbow effect in photoshop, why did you tell us there wasn’t one?”
-shit, busted


Akt Two | posted 10-19-2000 09:35 PM profile | email | editnow not the client but the tech said this..(he was in the meeting to)
“well I dont like pages who has loading when u get to the website, I dont want’ to haft to wait”dumb people


liquids | posted 10-19-2000 09:56 PM profile | email | editearly club design client:
“more fonts. use more fonts!”
“ummm… how many do you want?”
“how many do you have?”


matthew | posted 10-19-2000 10:08 PM profile | email | edit client comment:
“We love it like this, we were wondering if we could change the font and the color, and can we move a few things around?”
client comment:
“Please also put a landlord hat on the landlord.”


totee sip | posted 10-19-2000 10:40 PM profile | email | edit“Can you make that logo chrome? Or like use that emboss effect so it looks metal?”
sigh.
And someone who I worked for (very briefly for apparent reasons):
“Yeah, it’ll be cool to do this construction company’s site ’cause we can put those ‘under construction’ signs all over. Like with the little guy digging.”
But, I’m sorry… I just can’t beat “Put a landlord hat on the landlord”. That’s great.
[This message has been edited by totee sip (edited 10-19-2000).]


matthew | posted 10-19-2000 11:01 PM profile | email | editclient comment:
“We love it like this, we were wondering if we could change the font and the color, and can we move a few things around?”
client comment:
“Please also put a landlord hat on the landlord.”


epoch | posted 10-19-2000 11:21 PM profile | email | edit WOW! totee Sip’s post split Maetthew’s double post in half!! AMAZING!
oh yeah, I dont have a job so none from me. But these are great. keep em’ coming.


Walkman | posted 10-19-2000 11:35 PM profile | email | edit Client:
I just don’t understand why this Flash cost so much. I mean, I can do the same kind of animations in PowerPoint. Why can’t we do something like in PowerPoint. It seems pretty simple to me.
(The PowerPoint line kept coming up over and over again)
Those of you with a background in print wil get a giggle from this. Another client from the same company but on print work always marks any hyphenated words on proofs as *widows*.


eccesignum | posted 10-20-2000 12:10 AM profile | email | editIn a meeting the client rep told us to “think outside the box” and “make me uncomfortable”. He quit the week before the site launched. Guess we made him too uncomfortable.


cinder | posted 10-20-2000 01:11 AM profile | email | editroflroflrofl
mine’s not nearly as exciting.
Client wants another page not in the specifications or agreement. I tell him so, and that I don’t think it would be a good idea anyway.
“Oh ok. I’ll just do it myself.”
[This message has been edited by cinder (edited 11-18-2000).]


Picard | posted 10-20-2000 01:23 AM profile | email | editA recent client my company got.
Client: “We want a website that can play DVD quality video, but we don’t want to use streaming video and the load time must be zero.”
Designer: “That’s impossible. Everything has a load time. DVD quality runs about 100 megs a minute.”
Client: “We’ll take our business elsewhere…”


apartness | posted 10-20-2000 01:31 AM profile | email | editHow much time have you got?


Duckstah | posted 10-20-2000 01:31 AM profile | email | editA Client of the company I worked for rang up and asked us to make is possible for her to change ‘everything’ on the site.
Now in most circumstances thats fine with a basic page. But this site was one of the most advanced ones we had done at that stage using high end DHTML, a huge amount of Javascript etc.
Her justification for us turning the site over to her hands was that she “knew some html”


oxygen | posted 10-20-2000 01:49 AM profile | email | edit Client: Do you really think people will pay you more than 0 for website?? I can get one from IBM for 9, I saw it on the commercial…
me: Be my guest, but when you come back I’m going to be doubling our fee.
Client: (gave me the finger and left)
me: Opps!
Boss: That probably wasn’t the best way to say that.


leo | posted 10-20-2000 02:01 AM profile | email | editFriend of the Client standing over Client’s Shoulder (playing sensitive visual designer-for-a-day): “But the eyes are not drawn, are not drawn! It does not sweep, does not sweep!”
This was demo number 16.
LEO
[This message has been edited by leo (edited 10-20-2000).]


enue | posted 10-20-2000 02:02 AM profile | email | edit i did this intranet site for mercedes benz at my first job..and the last thing i had to work on..was a tutorial for the computer illiterate people who were gonna be using the intranet….
anyway…
they had 6 minutes of audio voice over…and it was fully animated…
this was right when flash 4 came out…so..whatever…i did a decent piece…
except…
they wanted this shit to play with the flash java player… …which is only compatible with flash 2….telling me this…AFTER i finish the flash 4 version…
…i found a manual for flash 2.to see the features..and had to take everything out that wasn’t flash 2 compatable..which was like most of the presentation…
all because they didn’t want to pay someone to go to all the dealerships and install the flash plug in…or none of their employee’s had the common sense to go to a link for the plug in..and hit yes, yes, yes, okay…
well..this wasn’t a dumb comment..but it was a dumb request…and yet another case of when i suggest something to a client…they turn it down..then..2 months later realize i’m right and change what they do…
like a month after i left that job…i got an im from one of my co-workers at that company asking if i knew where the intial flash 4 version was that i did..or if i had a copy of it because they decided to install plug in’s…but i wiped my harddrive before i left and took all my shit that i did with me…cuz the ceo of that company was a dick…
[This message has been edited by enue (edited 10-20-2000).]


sheipr | posted 10-20-2000 02:05 AM profile | email | edit“i want it tuesday”
it was monday.


goddessness | posted 10-20-2000 02:15 AM profile | email | editcome on Axium, how about the client that wanted their site glossy like the brochure? how about one of my clients who wanted the site on CD to give out to their target market because they might not have access to the net??????????????? it was a kinda portal!


slane | posted 10-20-2000 03:06 AM profile | email | edit “Can’t we make the text blink?”
<blink>argghh!</blink>


Merlot | posted 10-20-2000 03:48 AM profile | email | editI’m kind of worried about a new variation on yada yada yada I’ve been hearing…
Client to one of my designers about the comps he’d done: “Well, can you make it a little less…I don’t know…a little less Yada Bodda Bah?
My designer repeating him in a monotone: “A little less Yada…Bodda…Bah…”
Client: “Yes, exactly! I’m glad you know what I mean.”
I’ll know Monday whether we took out the yada, the bodda, or the bah….


Picard | posted 10-20-2000 03:55 AM profile | email | editgoddessness having a site on CD is not unreasonable…


Duckstah | posted 10-20-2000 04:13 AM profile | email | editPicard, I think the point was that they wanted it on CD because their target market may not have the web. When the site itself was actually a portal, that was basically useless without the web.


d3hm | posted 10-20-2000 04:14 AM profile | email | edit I designed a pretty cool site but the client wasn’t happy with it and had to think about what he wanted. So a few days later we got this paper in the mail with all cut and glued pieces of colored paper and a logo glued on it. Wow… lot of design from me was in that site.
I hate all the people who always have to tell us designers what has to change in the site and make the design all tacky again. WE ARE DESIGNERS, WE KNOW WHAT WE DO… d3hm!


d33 | posted 10-20-2000 04:42 AM profile | email | edityeah, but ok big fallible admissions time… who’s ever provided classic quotes to their clients?,, not being from a traditional design education there were a few gaps in my knowledge,, a couple of years ago this client is asking me to increase the line spacing between navigation elements,, me, trying to get scientific, technical, justify my lack of spacing,, mention “what we refer to as leading” ‘cept i pronounced it l eee ding ,, see i only knew the term through reading it on screen, and didn’t actually know the historical reason,,
she, being ex-print, schooled me,,,


onreturn | posted 10-20-2000 05:03 AM profile | email | edit “less creativity, bigger pictures”


Alemsah | posted 10-20-2000 05:08 AM profile | email | editHere is the first :
Client : I saw your flash and html demos and the 3d commercial that you prepared, firstly,”I should say I dont believe that web design is a form of art”,and what you create is a kind of “bad art” .You shouldnt create those,our agency will inform you about design just use the instructions which will come from them, and create the site…Isnt it what the webdesign for ?
Also, please dont design!They will do it for you!
(This person is the CEO of the company and this company group’s other CEO are hating him.)
Me:hýmmm, we dont have to do it together, you know ?
At that moment,all the other CEOs and my collagues are red because they cant hide their laughter….
Second:
client : This is the site, we dont like the design that other firm did, we ask you to change the whole site…
Me: Ok.
Client : in 6 days
ME : What?
Client : Yes , please dont use vignettes ( little icons,graphics) dont use to much picture.Make it like www.msn.com
ME : hýmmm….
Site adress is : www.porttakal.com
MSN : www.msn.com
We are still working on the new version
:)
[This message has been edited by Alemsah (edited 10-20-2000).]


toastedkitten | posted 10-20-2000 07:00 AM profile | email | edit no other thread has made me feel so much better about my job. ilove u guys. i do. i really really do.
*sob*sniff*sniff*


dik | posted 10-20-2000 07:41 AM profile | email | editCorpotare ID Logotype Concept:
Client: Could you do another 20 Versions?
Me: By Tomorrow?
Client: Yeah!
Me: Erm it’s going to be tight (not to mention look shit).
Client: Why’s it going to take so long? All you have to do is put the parameters/varabiles/colours in, the computer will do the rest…
He serioulsy thought the computer, renders Logo’s based on permutations I feed it…
If only…then my job would be a lot simpler
[This message has been edited by dik (edited 10-20-2000).]


Van Der Larson | posted 10-20-2000 09:18 AM profile | email | editargghh!
best i’ve ever heard :]


deem | posted 10-20-2000 09:58 AM profile | email | edit heh, DiK. I want that program.
Actually now that i think of it, didn’t buro destruct once have a go at something like that?
whatever, we need one. Theres a shiny fifty pence piece in it for the first person to send me it :)


guerrilla | posted 10-20-2000 10:16 AM profile | | editwe had a client who compained about the weight of banner adds, after a month of make
“it lighter”
we asked what she ment, her responce-
” 8 kilos is far to heavy for a banner add “shoot me!!!


yuushin | posted 10-20-2000 10:19 AM profile | email | editOk, here’s mine, god help me…
“HTML? What’s that?”


steezo | posted 10-20-2000 11:32 AM profile | email | edit“I was under the impression you were doing all new designs free of charge.”
what a dick
i got stiffed 30 hours


esun | posted 10-20-2000 01:26 PM profile | email | edit“BEN. OH MY GOD. i LOVE the website you designed for us! it’s AB-SOLUTE-LY brilliant and it looks FAAAABULOUS!.. but can i suggest a minor change? you think we could change the colors of the graphics? maybe make them more lighter? and maybe put the logo on the left side instead of the right? and the color of the text is perfect but we need it to be a little bit darker. is that easy to do?”
” … “


Picard | posted 10-20-2000 01:35 PM profile | email | editguerrilla same thing happened to me a couple of times.
The english try to sound cool by calling kilobytes, kilo’s.


jzellis | posted 10-20-2000 01:54 PM profile | email | editLessee…
“Do you think you could do a web-based e-mail portal this weekend?”
“Dude, I got you a CD of clip art. Let’s make this site look dope!”
(from sales doofus)
“This client wants a 3D mockup of his jewelry store where you can go in and pick up items and look at them. Can we do that for 00?”
“We want a ten thousand item database with pictures of every item, and we can’t afford to hire somebody to do the data entry, so we want you to do it. We’ve budgeted 00. Why are you laughing at me?”
And my favorite (when I was not a contractor, but an employee):
Idiot sales manager guy: Listen, our sales people are not technical. We leave that to you. They can’t understand the technical details.
Me: But they’re selling people “websites” and giving them a full-screen JPG ad in your Yellow Pages directory? It takes five minutes to load! No links! And you’re charging them 0!
Idiot sales guy: What’s the difference?
Me: What’s the–do you know what the word ‘fraud’ means?
Idiot sales guy: You think you’re so smart, don’t you?
Me: Hey, as long as I’m not paying the legal bills, fine. I just thought I should give you my qualified technical opinion–that this is a really stupid idea and everybody’s gonna get sued. I understand that you guys are Canadians, but are business laws that different up north?
(I got fired, but he got fired about a week after me for showing up to a client meeting drunk. That was the worst web job I ever had, anyway.)


vena | posted 10-20-2000 01:59 PM profile | email | edit enue, i know it’s too late, but i’m wondering if possibly you could have imported the flash movie into director, and exported a java app… i haven’t played with the java exporting enough to say this will work for certain.
as for dumb things clients have said:
“i want drawings of bats and vampires and, you know… goth stuff”


wordisborn | posted 10-20-2000 02:08 PM profile | email | edit‘we have a great idea for a flash game to promote spring break2000…
the thing is … we’re really tight on budget…we could only pay you like 0′
//bullshit – your MTV
//end


wholo | posted 10-20-2000 02:12 PM profile | email | edit“could you change the interface?”
“change the interface, offcourse but this takes days and’ll cost you some more”
“days?! a few images? I only want those butons at the bottom to the top and make them more rounded and yellow…and the animation is ok but if you just place our new product in it, it would be great. Can’t you do that in a few hours?tomorrow we have an important meeting and we would like to show it.”
“BLrhBLumMMrHHpfff”


vena | posted 10-20-2000 02:13 PM profile | email | editthe general concensus amoung clients is that they are your only client :)


jeremybrown65 | posted 10-20-2000 04:37 PM profile | email | editOh, I could fill up pages with lines clients have given me. Some recent ones:
Client: Could you use a different font for every name, you know make it cool.
Me: Uh, that’s probably not going to look so good, it’ll be all cluttered and ugly
Client: No, it’ll look cool, so let’s do it.
after doing what they want…
Client: Now it looks all cluttered.
Me: Aarrrgghhh
In a print job:
Client: So are we ready to go to print tomorrow?
Me: Sure if I run film tonight.
Client: OK, then let me call my assistant so we can edit all the text. (which they provided me) I also want to change some pictures and where things are laid out.
Me: Shouldn’t we have already done all this days ago? We’re not going to be able to go to print if you still are making changes.
Client: Why not?


LittleLea | posted 10-20-2000 05:21 PM profile | email | edit My client has been told that any additional changes will be charged by the hour…
So, I get this email…
“Do you have these in corel files?… I would like to make some changes”


mano1 | posted 10-20-2000 05:38 PM profile | email | editClient: “What are these lines for?”
Client (same): “Great, it is fast and the bitmaps are clean, loading is fast…. Now… Let’s make this thing fullscreen! Don’t change the speed though, I want it to be as fast as this, at high res on a 70 inch display.. Also the bitmaps should look as crisp as now”
Client (same, later): “I want 28.8K users to load the site instantly!”
Client (same, one day before the site is launched): “Allright, we are almost done… Can we add fullscreen metalic doors opening and closing everytime user goes to a section?”
Me: “mmhhh… Aren’t we launching tomorrow? I don’t think it will look good, and it would require quite some work to achieve and..” (client cutting me)
> Client (cutting me): “nonono… Just use LoadMovie!”Client (same, later): “Okay, send me the source files, I will do it myself, it seems really easy”
Me: “I don’t think you’ll be able to edit the…”
Client (cutting me again): “What is so complicated? I can understand all this! Let me do it, do you really think it is that complicated? It seems pretty easy to me”
After that, I simply dropped the project where it was, sent the source files to the client, and two weeks later:
Client: “I don’t understand it…”


robb | posted 10-20-2000 05:44 PM profile | email | editso im designing a “personal modelling site” for this korean girl…

i think i am ready to take some steamy pix for this site..
i have to make it cuttin edge n all that
i know i keep saying this, but i do plan to do it..
sometimes i will just sit and type wutever is on my mind to you, so i hope u don`t mind!

great !


Faktor3 | posted 10-20-2000 05:52 PM profile | email | edit “…I saw this very funny animated button of a mailbox…can’t you…”
After building the (approved) design in HTML, Javascript…
“uhm, a friend of mine saw the design and suggested to change the blue background into green… what do you mean it would take days to get it changed, how difficult can it be to change a color?”
a day before the new corporate site went online…
“did you already know that within a few weeks we are gonna get our housestyle redesigned?
>>click….boom<<


Spydr | posted 10-20-2000 06:03 PM profile | email | edit client: your prototype looks great, i’ll send you the content for everything.
(sends me 1/3 of it after a week)
me: here’s the 1st section, let me know what you think.
client: great, but where are the other 2 sections?
me: you never sent me the info
clientL oh sorry, i forget somtimes, i will fedex them today.
(3 weeks later)
client: how is everything coming? I really need to get this going, you didn’t say it would take this long when you quoted me. hurry up.
me: i never got the content you promised to send me 3 weeks ago.
client: oh, well let me send you the content right away.
(it’s been almost 2 months now, no content)


steve_f | posted 10-20-2000 06:07 PM profile | email | edit i don’t really have one, but doyou guys remember that one thread and the client and the designer were talking about the cost of the job, and the client was like,
“yeah i guess all that E is really expensive”, or something like that.
i can’t remember who said it, but that one was pretty funny.


jodyferry | posted 10-20-2000 06:17 PM profile | email | edit CLient: We also need a logo for our new site Fast Friends.com …
Us: So what words come to mind when you think about how your logo should look.
Client: Well it should be ‘fast’ and ‘very friendly’ …oh, and maybe look like an octapus with tentacles stretching out’
F that.
[This message has been edited by jodyferry (edited 10-20-2000).]


jeremybrown65 | posted 10-20-2000 06:50 PM profile | email | edit Client: Why do you need the content to design the site. Can’t you just do all the design and leaves blanks and we can pop the stuff it the night before we launch?
Same Client:
Client: Here’s the text for this section (hands me a faxed typed document)
Me: Could you have whoever typed that email it to me, so we don’t have to retype it?
Client: Do we have to. I don’t want to call them again and have them find it and email it, it’s a hassle.
Me: Well, I can retype it, but I type at the same rate I design at: 0 hour, which is pretty expensive as far as secretarial work goes. Whatever you want though…
Text was emailed to me later that afternoon


No Joda | posted 10-20-2000 07:08 PM profile | email | edit Client: this is horrible, I want the menu more longer (no that wasn’t a typo)
Me: ‘more longer’…right
Client: Yeah, and I think this should always be spinning (a graphic behind the content)
Me: I don’t think pepole will be able to focus on the words if we have this spinning behind it
Client: MAKE IT SPIN DAMNNIT!!!!
(three days later)
Client: Ok, I don’t like this graphic spinning behind the text; you can’t read the content. What if we make it more alpha.
And the best quote of this thread
agghhh


jeremybrown65 | posted 10-20-2000 08:34 PM profile | email | editI said I had a bunch.
>In a heated conversation with client about him not playing art director and making me the monkey that points and clicks wherever he wants.
Me: I’m a designer, that’s what I do, that’s what you pay me for: to design. Sometimes you may want to listen to what I’m saying.
Client: I know design. I study Rave fliers all the time. I’ve been to over 300 websites this year!
>Had I known that’s all it takes to know design I could have skipped a lot of school, and internships, and saved a lot of money not buying art books, reference material and books on software.


sebo | posted 10-20-2000 09:03 PM profile | email | edit“can you do it like in the Matrix…you know with numbers, zeros and ones, and glowing light, like in the Matrix, you know”


jazzkat | posted 10-21-2000 02:20 AM profile | email | editi love sales vp’s.
rev 1:
vp: i’d like to have a map of the united states with colored regions that link to a popup with the individual rep’s info on it.
me: sure, no problem. just give me a copy of who has what area. btw, do you have a large amount of attrition with your sales guys? (can you see where this is going?)
vp: no, not at all!
(he quickly grabs a map, and haphazardly draws circles around different states – hands it to me.)
…later that day…
vp: btw, do you have a copy of that map? i need to know who has what.
me: (concerned) here.
rev 2: (a week later, the day of golive)
vp: oh, yeah. we need to update the sales map. we’ve reorganized everything.
me: ummm, we are supposed to golive today. this will push back your project date.
vp: no problem.
(haphazdly draws another map)
me: will this be changing? if it does, i won’t have time for it for awhile.
vp: no, this is final! set in stone! (with that sureness that only a sales can speak with.)
me: ok, here. i want you personally sign this piece of paper to signify that you ordered this. (been through this before)
rev 3?
(sure enough, a week later)
vp: we need to change the sales map. so and so is gone, and so and so has taken their territory.
me: nope, sorry. you signed off.
vp: ok, well we will bid it out
me: sure, but your going to pay..
(sales tries to bid it out, with bids coming back ranging from 7,000 to 20,000 to update the piece and site)
(later)
vp: when you have time, will you update it?
me: yes, i will put some time on it next month.
i love well documented project plans.


fasanimar | posted 10-21-2000 02:22 AM profile | email | edit Client “I like a counter, but a big one, displaying on EVERY page, but not text, with animated gifs”
AAAAAAA
another one “Why don’t you add more colors? I see you have a problem with them.
I suggest you to make some therapy if you still have that fear to colors.”
What the heck!


coaster23 | posted 10-21-2000 02:53 AM profile | email | editMy example is not waht a client said, but what they did…
when I was bidding on one of my first projects and didnt have much to show of my work (I was looking to get some url’s under my belt) I met with a client for a fitness website. They wanted (had story boards) their logo to animate and demonstrate exercise. Their logo was two lines on either side (which made the torso and arms sticking up in the air) and a circle for the head. Basically the upper part of a roughly sketched body. So i am supposed to animate it doing sittups and pushups, etc… syhching to naration. Basically intense keyframe animation for 2 minutes. I gave them a bottom of the barrel price (0 for 2 minutes of keyframe animation synched to a sound track) and they balked. Too expensive. Didnt even return my zip disk with my domonstration. They balked at a cheaper than cheap price.


Nihil | posted 10-21-2000 08:02 AM profile | | edit Client for a print job presents me with an illustrator file and says, “I want it to be exactly like that.” And, yes, he meant same text, same images, same colour…
Dumbest thing I’ve ever said: “Ok, if you’ve not got the text on disk, we can OCR it…”


Nihil | posted 10-21-2000 08:07 AM profile | | edit Oh, nearly forgot why I was posting: Can you please put a landlord’s hat on the landlord. That’s still making me giggle and I don’t know why! Perhaps its better you don’t explain….


Faktor3 | posted 10-21-2000 06:50 PM profile | email | edit“…yeah, I want it too look exactly like that particular (and gobsmacked awful) folder of ours..”
“…why don’t you use more of that purple and green together?” (believe it or not, a true client spoke these historic words)


No Joda | posted 10-21-2000 08:21 PM profile | email | edityou won faktor

http://www.dreamless.org/ubb/Forum2/HTML/000305.html


scrim | posted 10-21-2000 09:59 PM profile | email | editthe one that made me laugh the most:
“client: MAKE IT SPIN DAMMIT!!!!!!”
that’s still cracking me up :)


Faktor3 | posted 10-22-2000 03:48 AM profile | email | editi am honoured No Joda :)
But on the downside, too many of those clients and a serious alcohol problem is only one step away.
But it’s nice to know that ‘not so capable (i.e. sane) clients are a universal problem. Not just one existing in my head.


smartiehouse | posted 10-22-2000 01:27 PM profile | email | editClient: “Don’t you have a book of images I can choose from”
Client “I like this billy joel cover..take it and recreate it, scan this picture of him and put my head in it”
Client: “Make the Logo bigger”
Client: “I can get this 4 color PMS job printed for 100.00″
Client: “the designer at Kinkos said they would only charge me 50.00 to layout my brochure”


ghettocooler | posted 10-22-2000 04:09 PM profile | email | editJust scan the brochure
[This message has been edited by ghettocooler (edited 10-22-2000).]


Nihil | posted 10-23-2000 05:16 AM profile | | edit And from students:
“So, what other programs do you know?”
“Well, I did a course on the Adobe.”
“Er, was that Adobe Photoshop?”
“No, no. Just the Adobe…”


dik | posted 10-23-2000 06:25 AM profile | email | editAccount Handler: So can you get it done for end of play tonight?
Me: Erm…No, were snowed under at the moment….
Account Handler: What about first thing tomorrow…?
…Think about it…do I spend all night at my job…?


stubbed_toe | posted 10-23-2000 09:17 AM profile | email | edit “i find all this white space boring. i think we need some wallpaper or something…”


powerless | posted 10-23-2000 10:21 AM profile | email | editbest thread ever


Leo1973 | posted 10-23-2000 10:34 AM profile | email | editThis thread should be re-started on a monthly basis. Hands down one of the best ones yet.
If I had lots of money I would develop this thread into a tv series.
Most people will think we made this stuff up.


dik | posted 10-23-2000 10:46 AM profile | email | editSeriously – I’ve just had a request from a client for a “Torsion Style”
wtf is this?
Does anyone know what is meant by “Torsion” and if so sorry for being thick but has anyone know of any example URL’s???? or anywhere I can get info???


dik | posted 10-23-2000 11:07 AM profile | email | editSeriously – I’ve just had a request from a client for a “Torsion Style”
wtf is this?
Does anyone know what is meant by “Torsion” and if so sorry for being thick but has anyone know of any example URL’s???? or anywhere I can get info???


eviltwin | posted 10-23-2000 11:28 AM profile | email | editClient – “We are trying to put accross a more cosmopolitan, youthful image. Please replace the picture of the caffetiere with the picture of a cheese and onion pasty. Also swap the coissants next to the dualit toaster with a ham sandwich.”
No, really… that’s what they said.
Different Client – “Please move the buttons to the top right hand side as one of my friends who uses the internet a lot says they will look better there.”
Another Client – “I’ve got an idea for the logo – can you put the words **** ***** into a rectangle with slightly rounded corners – only I want you to make the letters spin round individually – Oh yeah, and can you make them silver?”
[This message has been edited by eviltwin (edited 10-23-2000).]


grundle | posted 10-23-2000 01:05 PM profile | email | edit Direct quote…
“We want it to be black, but could you not make it so dark?”


binkybink | posted 10-23-2000 01:07 PM profile | | editpersonal favorites:
1.
client: When i type “xxxx.com” into aol it doesn’t bring up the site – the site has been down like this for weeks
me: where are you typing this?
client: when i go to keyword.
2.
client: you can cut out all this planning time i’m telling you we know what we want.
me: do you have all the documentation we need?
client: sure, just go to amazon.com, we don’t want to reinvent the wheel, we just want that.
3.
catalog company – fortune 100 catalog company. builds site for web.
catalog client: this site is totally broken we just got a complaint from a man in oklahoma who will no longer use it because he can’t see any of the products! did you read that email!
me: yes
catalog client: what are we going to do?
me: the man is blind.
catalog client: i know what are we going to do?
me: do you print the catalog in braille?
4.
client: this needs to work across all browsers 2.0 and up


gilt | posted 10-23-2000 01:26 PM profile | | editHeh, as I was reading through this thread I got an e-mail from a client with attached fla & swf file that they tried to change themselves and screwed up.
“Please fix…”
:)


niksah | posted 10-23-2000 02:19 PM profile | email | edit<scene>
two weeks after building the full site and handing it off to the client I get the following phone call from a client (and this was the marketing dept of a subdivision of a major software company)
</scene>
client:”Hey, did you test the site in Windows 98?”
me:”uh, yes. Why”
client:”well, the entire partner section doesn’t show up.”
me:”We pulled the partner section, remember?”
client:”Oh, yeah. We wanted it back in. Do you think the problem has anything to do with the fact that you used FrontPage?”
me:”we didn’t use fron page.”
client:”uh, we did.”
me:”sorry, can’t help you.”


bryce | posted 10-23-2000 03:07 PM profile | email | editHere are some gems I’ve heard over the years. Remarkably these came from account people and creative director types.
“Never use blue, I hate blue because I hate people with blue rugs.”
“The fact that this logo is creative and interesting is exactly what is wrong with it.”


faceofmoon | posted 10-23-2000 03:15 PM profile | email | edit“use nature-like colors…like bright oranges and yellows…”
“use a woooosh sound so people know the intro is over.”
“ooh and make lots of animated text to get peoples attentions”
*bang!


dekken | posted 10-23-2000 03:17 PM profile | email | editExcerpts from a 15 page FAX I just recieved from my least favorite client:
1. Services Page: Can we please add “something” interesting here? Perhaps the first paragraph could do something, like shrink and swell to add to the confusion? Any ideas? Any graphics?
2.Events Page: “…It feels cramped. My solution is: get rid of all the commas, place a larger space between the events and use different fonts, colors and sizes for EACH event. This would add color and interest to the page…make it more of a collage.”
3.Newsletter Page: Where did the newsletter go?
4.A big fat Thanks and smiley face taking up the bottom half of the last page.
My responses—
1. …add to the confusion?
2. <blink>aarrgghh</blink> + cigarette break (i dont smoke)
3. Hit refresh. Oh look, there it is!
4. More tears. Looking for gun.
Final Thoughts : Thank God I only have 4 days left at this job.

[This message has been edited by dekken (edited 10-23-2000).]
[This message has been edited by dekken (edited 10-24-2000).]


No Joda | posted 10-23-2000 05:24 PM profile | email | edit dekken: this should help with number 4

http://www.nobr.net/dreamless/50aegold.jpg

I have a meeting today, so I should have some good ones later tonight
the aghhhh! still kicks ass


autoresponder | posted 10-23-2000 06:00 PM profile | email | edit“Hey buddy, give me a call, I have the layout for you but I’m having problems uploading it to the web. I’m using Publisher, I hope you can help me.”


meg | posted 10-23-2000 06:18 PM profile | | edit1.was told this one for about a week from my CD.
“it lacks passion”
(?)
2.was told this from recent client during a meeting in which we were showing logos.
“oh, i forgot to tell you, we changed the name.”
no kidding.


No Joda | posted 10-23-2000 06:53 PM profile | email | editanother one
Client: “We’re not fucking making art here”
still not a reason for an ugly ass site


vena | posted 10-23-2000 06:57 PM profile | email | editholy christ! ok, you people who are naming the companies who said these things… haven’t you guys signed NDA’s or anything? seriously… don’t name the client, that’s just plain unprofessional.


IOrdy | posted 10-23-2000 10:08 PM profile | email | editI had to make dirt look like grass and increase the sky brightness and contrast to stupid levels because ‘The photos didn’t do my cabins any justice’.


LOKi | posted 10-23-2000 10:10 PM profile | email | edit “Can you make it come alive”
So I made the logo spin…ugh


8r14n | posted 10-24-2000 10:39 AM profile | email | editHere’s one from the “CEO” of the company I was working for last year, who also fired all the employee’s except for three of us.
…The remaining three of us quit four months later.
“Can I print an animation?”
(and print all the frames)


GB | posted 10-24-2000 12:01 PM profile | email | edit“I will pay you nothing and i want it all done in front page.”
no really.


Duckstah | posted 10-24-2000 08:07 PM profile | email | editWe sooooooooooo Need to keep this thread alive!
It’s the first thing i check everyday!
It is so comforting to know that the clients I deal with aren’t the only annoying/dumb/pathetic clients around!
Hooray for crappy clients for they make us laff HA HA HA! :P
I love that Arrgh! and the whole rainbow effect in photoshop thing! busted! :)


jeremybrown65 | posted 10-24-2000 09:15 PM profile | email | editi gotten this from a few clients:
< after being a production monkey and pointing and clicking, and moving all the stuff around where they want, making it look hideous >
Client: Now, doesn’t that look better?
or a variation…
Client: Why do we have all this blank space here, what can we do to fill it up.
Me: Uh, don’t feel like you have to fill up every gap, it’s nice to have some empty space, so the viewer’s eye can focus on the key elements.
Client: No, let’s put more photos there, it’ll make it look fun. I don’t like it blank.
Aaarrgghhh


Ein | posted 10-24-2000 10:02 PM profile | email | edit “i need security… i want security on every page… i know about all the deviants who are waiting to, what would you say, HACK into my site and steal credit card numbers… oh speaking of credit card numbers you know that i don’t really want an online store, but i want people to be able to buy things right? don’t give them too much information on the site though or they might go buy from somewhere else”
*me with dumbfounded look*
nuff said
..:: ein ::..


Def Ghi | posted 10-25-2000 01:32 AM profile | email | editme: “To get us started, could you describe the overall look and feeling you’d like the site to convey?”
client: “I would like so real cool java and asp and things in it along with some pictures.”


Duckstah | posted 10-25-2000 02:04 AM profile | email | editI just got reminded of this one:
I have one client who I do some regular maintenance for them and almost everytime I’ve made a change and ask them to check it b4 i put it live i get a phone call:
Client:”i can’t see any of the changes”
Me: “Have you refreshed the page?”
Client: “Oh, i have to do that everytime?”
Or the other common one is
“How do i clear that cachey thingy again?”


Faktor3 | posted 10-25-2000 02:38 AM profile | email | edit Oh, the ‘why don’t you fill all available space’ remark sounds sooooo familiar…
“room for more information and… banners”me: sure, that will bring across the message clearly… not


antisticky | posted 10-25-2000 05:23 AM profile | | edit one of my teachers, about an assignment:
‘that makes me feel physically ill’one of my clients:
‘from my left eye to my right eye – what’s that? you know, wideways…’
(try width)


disegnare | posted 10-25-2000 06:02 AM profile | email | editI started this thread because one day it occurred to me that every designer I know complains constantly about clients. Whenever I talk to any of my friends who are designers half the time we just talk about how stupid our clients are. It’s funny because i love being a designer and I’m very happy yet I complain constantly about my clients. So when i started this thread i hoped that other peoples clients would be worse than mine and then I might feel better. I feel better now.


infowar | posted 10-25-2000 11:14 AM profile | email | edit My employer had a major national ad agency design our web site. It had a lot of problems, but these really stand out:
me (looking at design spec): So what font do you want to use for the body text? It has to be legible at very small sizes (10pixels) in order to meet the no scrolling requirement.
ad agency designer: Insignia or Geometric 415BT Medium

me (looking at 4 distinct frames for navigation): You do realize that 70% of the screen is being used for navigation, don’t you?
designer: no. the main navigation is at the top.
me: you have frames at the top, bottom, left, and right sides for navigating leaving me content space of 380 pixels by 180 pixels. Do you want to click “Click here to continue story” twenty times just to read a press release?

After completing the site according to specs and launching on a Friday (after 3 weeks requesting QA) I get the following mandated changes:
1. Improve Netscape compatibility (for Netscape 4 and 6)
2. Remove Flash intro
3. allow scrolling
4. do not launch new browser window
5. add standard browser navigation
6. rewrite top navigation
7. rewrite content
All changes I advocated immediately after seeing the requirement sheet. And it only took three days of the site being live for these changes to be done after my months of complaining! But I did look good after making the requested changes in 10 hours. Of course, the sign off on those changes took another two weeks.


Nosedive51 | posted 10-25-2000 11:28 AM profile | email | editIs it bad that these are the types of things my bosses would say?


8r14n | posted 10-25-2000 12:34 PM profile | email | editI really shouldn’t do this but…
Yesterday I was asked if I set a setting in a Flash file that prevented Mac’s to view a .swf when connected with a dial-up – compared to viewing on a T1/Lan.
my responce:
uhhh… hmmm. What exactly are you trying to talk about?
Said to myself:
Yea, I’ll uncheck that box and let Mac dial-ups be allowed to view the file.


ohskylab | posted 10-25-2000 12:46 PM profile | email | edit After having published a demo site for a client:
Them: “Can you print out a copy of every page in the site and post it to us?”
Us: “Why??”
Them: “We need to fax a copy to our US office so they can have a look at it…”


Walkman | posted 10-25-2000 01:15 PM profile | email | editThis isn’t web related but…
On a photo shoot for a brochure, we were shooting an old, stone building. The client wanted to shoot from a certain side, but there was a giant tree obscuring a large portion of the building we wanted to show. So the shooter asks the client about this and client says:
“well, don’t you have a *Tree Filter* or something like that to take it out?”


sniemela | posted 10-25-2000 06:34 PM profile | email | editHmm. lemme see..
Got a couple ones;
- On a website brief meeting, 2 days before the original launch date;
Client’s dumb-ass project manager:
“emm.. what if we would translate this whole site(~50 pages, static content) to german?”
me:
“No can do. You should have made that to the original brief and it’s anyway too big for this given time..”
C.d-a.p.a:
“What’s so complicated? I can get the Word files to you, isn’t your litle job bit like editing a Word document..?”
*sigh* That was the worst one so far..
- On a print project: “Well we did these Powerpoint layouts, can’t you use them? Why not?” (Powerpoint; 72 dpi messed up images, hard to get out anyway..)
And the last, all-so-familiar “empty white space” case;
I made this comp with a really nice navigation on top, and above few graphical elements on an almost white space of 70px looking very clean & nice to me..
the client:” Can’t you lift the navigation up to the top of the page? Now it looks like it has fallen from the top and there’s this separate white space there?”[This message has been edited by sniemela (edited 10-25-2000).]


jeremybrown65 | posted 10-25-2000 09:08 PM profile | email | edit <my reply to another client on a print project who was asking me about the “blank space” and couldn’t we put something in it>
“Just because you paying for all the paper that this is printed on doesn’t mean we have to fill it all up.”
One of my new favorite ones, which isn’t funny in it’s own right, but I’m sure everyone has heard this one:
“I’ll have all the info to you by _____”
<somehow the info is always delayed by weeks, but they don’t seem to think the completion date will be>


sisko007 | posted 10-25-2000 09:14 PM profile | email | editHow about this one….
“Umm… we don’t really have the funds to pay you for the work you did…”
This after driving 2 hours each way for 4 days then being available for changes/updates
for the next couple of days. On top of that I heard radio spots for the site on a nationally syndicated radio show.
I know this is not the forum for this but does anyone have any tips on how I can get them to pay me??? It’s about 00 worth of work.
thanks,
//sisko007
P.S. Great topic!!! Hours of laughter…


vena | posted 10-25-2000 09:16 PM profile | email | edit hire a lawyer, sue their asses. 5.2k is beyond small claims. chances are you can get a bit more than the originak 5.2k sum.


Memorom | posted 10-25-2000 09:30 PM profile | email | edit Man, these are great! I just wasted a huge amount of time reading all of these posts for the first time. I have to say that I love the “I didn’t use Frontpage.”….”um…we did.” LOL
My favorite personal one came from a client for a snowboard/surfing excursion company. I came up with some really great icons and logo with a nice “cool” grey and white colour scheme.
Client: “Could we make the icons a little more abstract? You know, make them have nothing to do with snowboarding or surfing. And maybe have a big helicopter.”
Then he showed me a music site that had icon pictures of different planets.
Client: “Like that! You know…abstract!”
Later, the client decided to go ahead with the his site the way it was. But he still wanted the Flash intro. (It had a 522 KB image file on one of the pages!) I worked on the site for a week and a half, with no contract. He was a friend of a friend.
I didn’t tell him about the 522 kb file and I said no to the intro.


Fish Sauce | posted 10-25-2000 10:15 PM profile | email | edit CLIENT: We have these MS Word documents that we want them to be able to download, kind of like a “printable” version.
ME: A simple text file my be a little more accessable, but yeah, we can do that.
CLIENT: And we already have the Word documents done, so can you make the website look as close to the Word documents as possible? We tried “save as html document”, but it wasn’t working in Netscape. Can you make it work in Netscape?


tekloid | posted 10-26-2000 12:04 AM profile | email | edit client -
“I don’t care if it doesn’t work in netscape I want it”
me -
“uhh.. Yeah, no uses Netscape anyway.” ;x
client (2 weeks later) -
“It looks all broken!”
me -
“Huh? Nothing looks wrong on my end. ..blah
blah blah… What version IE are you using?”
client -
“Netscape”


Aubec | posted 10-26-2000 12:43 AM profile | email | edit This is computer art animation, but still anyone who knows squat about computer graphics (and the history there of) will understand :
I got a job at the main supercomputing center for the Airforce. They wanted an animation done showing some footage they had taped at a conference (Supercomputing 98) they had presented at.
So i got the footage and tried putting together some ideas when my supervisor showed me what they had in mind….
A grid of chrome balls with a gradient green flat landscape and gradient blue flat sky…
I rushed off to work on it as quickly as possible… not because I was excitied (yuck), but becuase i wanted to escape quickly before he used the words “lens flare”……. shudder…


jazzkat | posted 10-26-2000 01:05 AM profile | email | edit “well, don’t you have a *Tree Filter* or something like that to take it out?”
ha!


coFFice | posted 10-26-2000 01:29 AM profile | email | edit contract: x amount
client: “if you don’t give us 2x amount in 2 dayz, the contract is terminated”
coFFice: write a new contract for 2x for 2x $ or stick to the contract.
client: “if you don’t give us 2x amount in 2 dayz, the contract is terminated”
coFFice: “fuck-Off”
belch
.
.
.
..
.
again


Junior | posted 10-26-2000 09:52 AM profile | | edit Client: I’m not to sure about that “sign on”-button. Could you please make me 50 of them so that I can choose.
[This message has been edited by Junior (edited 10-26-2000).]


countzero | posted 10-26-2000 09:53 AM profile | email | editclient “do this”
count “no”


oxygen | posted 10-26-2000 11:48 AM profile | | edit client: why is our contact page not coming up?? there is just your logo with some text under it…
me: well did you read the text??
client: no…
me: please read the text and get back to me.
client(2 minutes later): what the hell do you mean, by ‘this section has been taken down because of failure to complete contract’??
me: let’s see, the contract was for ,500 and you paid us ,000. so cut us a check and we’ll upload the file.
client: i’ll just get someone to finish for me!! (click)
————
two weeks later…
client: no one we’ve talked to said they we do it for less than ,000 and it will take 2 weeks.
(probably because it says they wouldn’t pay)
me: well i’ll do it for k and it will be up in 5 minutes. you decide.
—————
the site was taken down, because they didn’t pay their hosting company one week later


mishx | posted 10-26-2000 12:49 PM profile | | edit a client (‘and marketing director’) came in to the agency to view the layouts i’d done for their corporate site. she flopped into the chair beside me and said: “you’re going to have to explain it to me as if i’m really stupid.”
fantastic.
[This message has been edited by mishx (edited 10-26-2000).]


Emonotone | posted 10-26-2000 03:05 PM profile | email | edit“ok, i see.. all the text links are orange… but some of them go somewhere and others only show information…. how is the user going to know if the link goes somewhere?”


Emonotone | posted 10-26-2000 03:12 PM profile | email | editok, we want a flash intro with six animated words to fly across the screen. one at a time. and we need a ‘soft landing’ of our slogan on the home page. were trying to tell a story here.”
ok.
“but can you make it less than 7 seconds? we were at a trade show and they said you lose attention after 7 seconds!”
hmm.. well,
7 seconds /
6 animated words + 1 slogan
=umm.. like half a .75 seconds per word. i guess you dont mind if the user cannot read the content of the intro then, right?
“well…do what you can.”
right.


jrp | posted 10-26-2000 04:23 PM profile | email | edit We were presenting our design to the committee [I’m an Apprentice Architect] and the comment we got back was:
“It is too simple to be complex, yet to complex to be simple”Then they asked us to add a cornice to the project.
Dumb


skaw | posted 10-27-2000 12:05 AM profile | email | edit me: so who will go to this site and for what reason will they go there?
client: i don’t know
me: well what is the purpose of this site!?!?
client: i don’t know


GB | posted 10-27-2000 01:32 PM profile | email | edit client: “I can’t find the web site, have you loaded it up?”
me: “Yeah, it’s all loaded up, blah blah, are you putting in the right address?”
client: “yeah, I think so, is it www.***********.co.uk?”
Me: “yeah, that’s the one.”
client: “nope, still not coming up.”
Me: “that’s strange… hold on, where are you typing the address into?”
client: “the search box.”same client later, complains that even though he’s typing the address into the address bar, the site still isn’t coming up, so he brings his laptop over so I can check if anything’s wrong with it. I connect to the Internet, type in the address and bingo, it comes up on the screen, the client looks at it for a while, then
“oh I know where I was going wrong, I was putting a space there.” (points to middle of address)


::e:: | posted 10-27-2000 07:21 PM profile | | edit can you substitute the man eyeball image with something else? it is in conflict with the privacy policy, can we (we?) find another image instead of the man with the eyeballs. we are a bit sensitive to having a big eyeball in the banner ads as it might imply to people that they are being watched.
here is the image being refered to :

http://search.photodisc.com/am/src/pdiviewcomp.asp?sr=93&;pp=9&sit=0&co=&sf=3&ss=television+AND+man&st=2&v=1&vc=1


lavendermoon | posted 10-28-2000 03:48 AM profile | | edit …After almost completing the site:
half-ass marketeer: oh, we forget to tell you, but we want to place some ad-banners on the homepage, so please leave some space for them
me: and you couldn’t have told me that earlier. Implementing this will mean that we won’t make the deadline (which was the day after) and besides that will f*** up the design as well.
ham: *pointing randomly at screen*
just put one here, here and here… that can’t be much work, right?
me thinking: wish I could put one up your a**


king of all | posted 10-31-2000 11:23 PM profile | email | edit hey, i finally got one!
today, a client was going over one of the proofs i’d given him. he says to me(pointing to the title)
“can you fix the colors up here?”
me:”sure. what’d you have in mind?”
client:”well, i’m not sure. i’m pretty color-blind and it just doesn’t look right to me. what can you do with it?”
me:”…”
client:”what color is it, exactly?”
me:”…………”


mas | posted 11-01-2000 02:07 AM profile | email | edit In a job interview two weeks ago:
“chief technical officer”: So, you know html and stuff?
me: yes. I write it all out in a text editor.
him: like Frontpage?
me: no. More like homesite, bbedit, or simpletext.
him: So, you know tables and stuff?
me: uh huh.
him: Do you know how to use stylesheets?
me: yep.
him: Wow! great! well, let’s arrange another interview here, so you can talk to the CEO (this medical start up had like 6 people in it).
Total interview: 10 minutes.
Total driving time to and from interview: 4.5 hours.I’ll put up another post with all the brilliant dialogue with the “CEO”
[This message has been edited by mas (edited 11-01-2000).]


mas | posted 11-01-2000 02:20 AM profile | email | edit Continued from above:
“CEO”: So, you know HTML? (no and stuff, thank god)
me: Yep.
CEO: So, you know Stylesheets?
me: (a little confused, after this 2 hour drive) Yes. (?)
CEO: Well, we’re a medical [INSERT MARKETING JARGON AND THE MARKETING VERSION OF "techno-babble" HERE], and we develop office billing software for private practices. However, we would like to put together a database-driven health tip encyclopedia delivered through an (exact words here) Adobe Flash Macromedia interface.
Me: Well, I have to be honest, I don’t really know anything about building a database.
CEO: We’ve got someone to do that. We just need you to create all the templates that the information will be plugged into them (and he made that little quotes motion with his hands)”on the fly.”
Me: Let me get this straight. You want a database…
CEO: built in HTML
me: well, that’s not generally how it’s done, I think.
CEO: No, our techie guy tells me that’s how to do it.
Me: Ok. So, you want me to design an easy to use interface so that consumers, not your customers, can search for health tips?
CEO: Yes. Kinda like Yahoo, but not with all the links.
me: well, I would think that a well built electronic encyclopedia would be cross referenced.
CEO: And we want it fully animated in Adobe Flash Macromedia, so people can see it with Realplayer.
me: uh huh…
CEO: Also, take a look at our site (shows me the site on the monitor). What would you change about it to improve performance?
And I swear to god the motherfucker whipped out a tape recorder.
Me: well, I think I’d have to think about that question some more.
CEO: Great! Well, how about you create some templates and flash players, and we’ll arrange another meeting so you can show me your progress!
me: yeah. Sure. (Yeah right! Consult for free? Not when some yahoo with a bad haircut gets paid 20,000 an hour to tell people that they don’t like to scroll! I want in on that scam too!)
Needless to say, I have yet to call them.


ourcommon | posted 11-01-2000 02:27 PM profile | email | edit “We want the page to be smaller, and lighter, but we want to triple the amount of content. You can get that above a 420 fold..right??”


eschulte | posted 11-02-2000 07:19 AM profile | email | edit we want a totally dynamic, flash based web site, pulling from an oracle database.
no, i can’t afford generator! are you crazy!


k0nik | posted 11-02-2000 09:00 AM profile | email | edit client1″can you make our site look like a filo fax”
client2″these three comps you have done, this first one I could of done better myself, what are these colours!! on this one?”
me “its the equivalent pantone match for the colours on your branding that you asked for”
I eventually created something shit and visually repulsive (that he liked, I must add)but as for generic aesthetics its wank prolly the most iratating client ever!


ZaxisNet | posted 11-02-2000 12:44 PM profile | email | edit I had created a web site for a client of mine, and there was a navigation bar on one side and when you click the section would appear beside it, with the Name of the section on the page. (Clear so far? pretty basic shit huh?)
Client: “When you click on the navigation bar to go to [This] section I couldn’t tell where it took me to.
(With the big ass text in Header1 format)
Could you make the link glow or something, so we know where we are?
Me: “It says it right here in big letters”
Client: “Oh..I didn’t see it there”
Dumb-ass…
ZaxisNet


::e:: | posted 11-02-2000 07:37 PM profile | | edit “do you think two pairs of legs flailing about in the banner would convey the “whose watching your sitter” banner copy? food for thought.


Merlot | posted 11-02-2000 08:21 PM profile | email | edit Me: (after talking about his industry, product, etc…)Now, let’s talk about the type of site you want…
Client: Oh, well, sites…like I said,I know I need one, but I haven’t had a computer since about 1985, I think. To be honest, I’m not sure that I’ve ever SEEN the internet except for on TV.
I swear to you…at least he’s extremely nice, and extremely easy to work with.


someg | posted 11-02-2000 08:26 PM profile | email | editThe legendary client quote thread…
a friend 20-10-2002, 17:20
someguy | posted 11-02-2000 08:29 PM profile | email | editfavorite design feedback:
um, could you make it more… i don’t know… enhanced.


dsheetz | posted 11-03-2000 03:16 AM profile | email | edit best one on this page:
search the page for “onion pasty”.
this is the greatest of all threads.


mknk | posted 11-03-2000 06:51 PM profile | email | edit client: “this site should target young children, teenagers, adults, business owners, possible contributors, and the elderly.”


timfm2000 | posted 11-03-2000 11:41 PM profile | email | edit Client (former boss as of today):
“People don’t know what links are on the web yet, you have to make it blink and say ‘CLICK HERE!’”
Me:
“Errrr, ummm, okay.”
[This message has been edited by timfm2000 (edited 11-04-2000).]


jOSX | posted 11-04-2000 01:52 AM profile | email | edit client: “I want the real video to be displayed in a photograph of a tv…i want to be able to control the real video with buttons on the photo of the vcr underneith!”
uhhhh…
“oh and bright colors..the background HAS to be bright.”


counterpop | posted 11-04-2000 11:52 AM profile | email | edit Client: “Can you make the background constantly change colors? I want people to know that we are fun and exciting.”
Me: “People will think you are trying to give them a siezure.”
Client: “Look, just try it, and if we don’t like it, we can change it later.”
Me: “Well, this will really, really make it hard to design the rest of the site if the background color is constantly changing.”
Client: “Then make the rest of it change, too.”
Me: “………uhh, are you sure that’s what you want?”
Client: “Yes”
<two days later>
Client: “This looks like crap. Why did you make it like this?”
Me: “You asked me too.”
Client: “If you knew it was going to look like this, why did you even bother?”
Me: “Because I charge you by the hour.”
Let’s just say that now he’s a lot more picky about what random ideas he makes me carry out.


underneath | posted 11-08-2000 02:21 AM profile | email | edit new here, i just had to get in on this discussion though.
Client: “Can you add a frog, just jumping around the page. That’s bound to get people coming back to our site”
US: “Umm… a dancing frog?…… right”
——
Client: “I’ve signed onto this Chapters.ca partners program, so we can have a link on our site and get proceeds from sales that came from our site. This will definatley attract people back to our site”
Just a note that Books had no relevance whatsoever to what the company was actually doing, which was selling coffee.
——
US: “So have you had a chance to review the Contract”
Client: “No, i’m sure everything is ok” (Signs contract)


Fat Elvis | posted 11-09-2000 09:37 AM profile | email | edit My boss comes in today as the 4 of us (designers and designer/programmers) are laughing as we take turns reading some of our favorite quotes from this thread.
I turn to my boss and quip off one of the many that related to him (about the amazon.com side bar) and we all laugh. I tell him it’s a thread making fun of people like him.
Being a good natured guy he shoots back:
“Well! I’m going to make a site that makes fun of guys like you!”
My reply?
“Yeah, well who’s going to build it for you?”
He left quickly and without comment.


skaw | posted 11-09-2000 10:06 AM profile | email | edit“is it e-mail or email???”


Nosedive51 | posted 11-09-2000 10:34 AM profile | email | editI got two today:
“These things will always be static content, unless they are different.”
“Can you make pop-ups like I see on port sites?”
We almost laughed when he said the first one.


Monro | posted 11-09-2000 11:45 AM profile | email | edit Slightly different emphasis here. A former boss had little or no grasp of internet technologies, but liked to drop buzzwords into meetings:
Client: Can we have some animation on the site?
Former boss: Yeah, we do all of that ShockJava stuff
Everyone: …


Kraken | posted 11-09-2000 12:25 PM profile | email | edit man, I love this thread! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside every time I read it :)
Kraken


atlaz | posted 11-09-2000 12:39 PM profile | email | edit Someone at my workplace told a client that our site used donuts.


perilous | posted 11-09-2000 01:29 PM profile | email | edit i eat donuts.


pixel1 | posted 11-09-2000 01:54 PM profile | email | edit i worked on a flash intro for a client….
” i want fuckin sexy….sexy….i want it to arouse the users!”
one month later the company was connected to the mob and is under investigation….
the stock spilt 4 times and now is worth 0.51
fromfukin sexy mah ass…..=)


pixel1 | posted 11-09-2000 01:58 PM profile | email | edit if you guys are wondering it wasn’t those sites
by the way this thread rocks


pixel1 | posted 11-09-2000 01:58 PM profile | email | edit if you guys are wondering it wasn’t “those” sites
by the way this thread rocks


perilous | posted 11-09-2000 02:17 PM profile | email | edit i heard you the first time.


perilous | posted 11-09-2000 02:18 PM profile | email | edit i heard you the first “time”.


viatrax | posted 11-09-2000 02:57 PM profile | email | edit this has to do more with print…..
me: “for your ad, i need a high resolution copy of your company logo. possibly in eps format, or an illustrator file or something”
client: “oh, that logo was done like five years ago by someone else, just save the logo from the website.”
(logo’s like 200pix wide at 72dpi,… then i have to explain to them why the logo will print ridiculously tiny)
oh and… “for the background just use psychadelic colors, man!”
[This message has been edited by viatrax (edited 11-09-2000).]


sanchez | posted 11-09-2000 10:38 PM profile | | edit [all same client, same project]
We would like to see a rainbow type fade with the logo at the end in our colours.
On the front page we would like to take a colour from the start of the rainbow to put in one box and then keep choosing a colour from the above rainbow for each box.
ON the bottom we would like to be able to add a flashing or scrolling
specials bar


artega@hotmail.com | posted 11-09-2000 10:58 PM profile | email | editThe best one I ever had was:
“What does WWW stand for?”


jeremybrown65 | posted 11-10-2000 02:23 PM profile | email | edit oh, the “just pull it off the website” one kills me for all print stuff. also when you ask them to send you a high res logo and they send you a tiny gif or a horribly compressed JPEG…. the frustration!


pneumah | posted 11-10-2000 03:48 PM profile | | edit I got one.
Client: “I really want to emphasize strategy and digital evolution. I have a poster in my office with a chessboard and in the middle is a window and in the window a chessboard, and in that chessboard another window. I think we should use that- and also put an eye with 1′s and 0′s in it”
Me: “Umm, No”
[This message has been edited by pneumah (edited 11-10-2000).]


badkuma | posted 11-10-2000 06:08 PM profile | email | edit.: Jewelry E-tailer :.
I’m modifying a photograph of a ring so that it looks sharper and the a bit more brilliant.
client/vp of marketing: “Could you just turn it? Just so that we can see the shape of the ring better” – at the same time she does this hand twisting motion in front of my face.
**


badkuma | posted 11-10-2000 06:11 PM profile | email | edit she’s also doing a bit of a hop


nesby | posted 11-10-2000 10:24 PM profile | email | edit here’s one from denmark:
when I made the homepage for ********, the marketing assistant had a problem pronouncing the word ‘button’, it always become ‘bottom’ from her mouth…Imagine these people at a meeting discussing my 4th incarnation of a button design, and then:
“Couldn’t this bottom be rounded and dark blue ?”
/Kinky, I’d say…


cauldronborn | posted 11-11-2000 05:20 PM profile | email | editI was working as a temp for this group this summer. this project had been handed off to multiple people over and over, a big mess.


cauldronborn | posted 11-11-2000 05:24 PM profile | email | edit I was working as a temp for this group this summer. this project had been handed off to multiple people over and over, a big mess.
stupid things said to me:
can’t we add a component to buy products directly? (the project was a cd-rom)
let’s add another way to navigate through the cd. (the project at this point was over 3 weeks due, and there were already 3 ways to nvigate the same info.)
5 cd’s of images were given to me. no one ever said to do anything with them. when i sent them to texas for the project to be finished, i get this bitchy email asking why the 50,000 + images were never edited to fit into the cd-rom. (okay, whoever thinks that 5 cd’s of images can fit onto one cd is a nut, plain and simple)
fact: i never finished that project, it was handed off to a guy in texas and a databse guy in california. super…..


k2 | posted 11-11-2000 06:16 PM profile | email | edit i think what clients i’ve been dealing with for the last year sum up this whole thread .. but it’s their logic that i love .. for their portal site i created joe standard directory listing ..
-
client: “drop the interface, we’ll just do it static pages”
me: “uhh ok, why? you’ve already got 90% of the info in there”
client: “we don’t want to manage it”
————–
6 months later (launching another portal, same company .. same site basically .. different city)
————–
client: “lets make this database driven!”
me: “you had that already remember? i still have the code for it .. but all your info is static”
client: “ok, we’ll just link to the static pages!”
————–
(thoughts at this point are .. “i need vodka”)
————–
client: “what’s taking so long? we’re getting back logged”
me: “well, you’ve given me like 100hrs of work and you want it in 5″
-
client: “popups are good! i want more of them”
client: (another person) “i hate popups.. lets not use em .. blah blah blah .. we need popups”
me: “that’s stupid .. you just told me you don’t want popups and they piss you off .. you’re going to have lots of pissed off people that won’t use your site”
————–
and the best was .. we configured UBB for them .. set everything up, completely branded . and they said there’s to many options .. people will get confused ..
————–
(i have many more lines of rant left .. this is just getting to long)


H20 | posted 11-13-2000 01:52 AM profile | email | editGoddamn you are a bunch of wanky designer’s, why don’t you get off your faggot asses and actually design something worthwhile instead of plagirising your ‘heroes’ or making shit that you haven’t changed since high school.
What ever happened to customer service and what the client wants. I’ll bitch slap you all.


lavendermoon | posted 11-13-2000 02:33 AM profile | | edit Exactly! I already had two projectmanagers and 3 clients telling me those precise words >;-)


kay | posted 11-13-2000 04:54 AM profile | email | edit From when I worked in print…
(comment on a 1page crammed-as-full-as-possible-with-10pnt-copy ad)
Client: “Yes, we love it, it’s perfect… except the Director can’t really read the text, can you make it red and 14pnt? Oh, and can you still fit it on one page?”
mmm… slight logistics problem here…


pyrus | posted 11-13-2000 08:56 AM profile | email | edit Credit card site…
Brief reads: Current site is too flashy and young… redesign site to appeal to a more mature user… influenced by the quality inherrent in the brand… sophisticated, style conscious …blah, blah, blah…
Weeks later, new site due to launch (at last) on a Friday. 48 hours to launch: Seventeen pages of amends turn up, largely briefing us to turn it back into what they wanted to get away from. Comments include…
Client: We need to have “Apply Now” in a different colour, bigger, flashing on every page.
Me: I am concerned that this is at odds with the overall style of the site and the brief (thinks… <blink>arrgghh</blink> – still the best)
Client: Can we remove all the buttons on the side and have the images taking up the full viewing area.
Me: …but if the images are full size and the buttons are removed, you won’t be able to navigate anywhere else from within the site and the loading time will be… problematic.
Client: Are you sure?
Me: <b><h1>arrgghh</h1></b>


rekka | posted 11-13-2000 09:57 AM profile | email | editok…so i’m doing a gig for a realestate agency…i draw up this visually appealing interface, with the underlining basis of a house..its was funcitonal it worked..blah i hate realestate…ok so after i’m done and my boss sees it…he comes into the office and tihs is wha the says”
“tim…you know what i think would be better…if you had these lines…and they all started flying in…and then BAMN BAMN BAMN ( imaging boss prancing around the office emulating lines snapping together) BAMN and then they all come together to form a house…just lines thats all..heck you can draw them in flash…thats all you need…”because its flash…and you can do that sorta thing with it.”bamn”
i then shook my head..sat down at my desk drew some tweend lines in under 10 min..i then surfed the net a bit…and i came onto a competitors sites…guess what they had as there intro..LOL..then preceded to clock out 5 hours later….
“because its flash and you can do that sortta thing with it.”
rekka/dyode
innocentcreation.com
[This message has been edited by rekka (edited 11-13-2000).]


yin | posted 11-14-2000 10:35 AM profile | email | edit ugh. i have this client who is just out to get me…..
i do a starting movie with elements similar to this other source he pointed me to look at (dont even get me started on that) and he looks at what i have done and says
client: “what you have done is very…ugly.”
me:”er….ok, what exactly do you not like about it? Is it the colours? the fonts?”
client:”it’s very ugly. its just very ugly.”
me: “okay, i’ll give it another go”
(thinking “bloody hell, this is a freebie intro which you aren’t paying for even…but i’ll let it slide ‘cos you just paid me my first 70%)
client:”lemme see it again.”
.(sees it again)…..”yup, it’s very ugly.”
.(requests to see it again.)
….”ugh, very ugly.”
AURRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I GOT YOUR FRICKING POINT! YOU THINK ITS UGLY! OKAY!??? geez.


lavendermoon | posted 11-14-2000 10:42 AM profile | | edit <quote>Yup, very very ugly</quote>
*lmao*
sorry man, but it just cracks me up :)
another
<blink>aaaaarch!</blink>is in order if you ask me :D


kerb | posted 11-14-2000 12:35 PM profile | email | edit i hate it when a company appoints someone to be in charge of their web strategy from a completely different media, who has absolutely no fucking idea what he is talking about, refuses to listen to our advice and then gets rude to project managers when they can’t make sense of his insane demands.
eg. major UK client after 2 months of extensive work and close client/agency contact showing client the site at various stages, all of a sudden:
client: “this is shit”
kerb: “can you elaborate?”
client: “it’s just shit”
kerb: “i’m after constructive comments here”
client: “i want it more like a movie”
kerb: “ok, but bear in mind it’s a website and has to be navigable”
client: “why can’t it be more like a movie, disney can make feature length animated movies, why can’t you?”
i can’t even remember being arsed to finish the conversation but definately mentioned the budget of millions required, bandwidth and of course the lack of interaction in general release full-length feature films.
this doesn’t seem that bad when i write it now but i swear that if you knew the brand you’d be thinking “even if they had a budget of millions, if their clients all had huge bandwidth, there is no way on gods earth you’d watch a feature length movie about their product.”
and to the guy who said the client is always right assuming he wasn’t being ironic.. try working for some mate.


Cynical | posted 11-14-2000 03:41 PM profile | email | edit Love this thread…makes me feel like I’m home. Here’s mine…
Client: Yeah, backwards compatible with Netscape 3, and we don’t want *any* JavaScript so blind people can use the site.
2 days pass…
Client: Can you put drop-down menus through all these level 2 & level 3 pages (99% of the site)?


Underscore | posted 11-14-2000 04:29 PM profile | email | editThis is a story I once heard about some helpdesk .. It isn’t exactly a client quote and it’s probably quite old, but I’ll post it anyway..
_______________________________________
- Hello, how can we help you?
- Yeah.. erm .. well ..
My coffeecup holder has seem to be broken off.
- Ehm .. Coffeecup holder you said?
- Yeah, my coffeecup holder..
- Did you get that with your computer?
- Eeeh, Yes.
- What kind of computer do you have?
- An iMac.
- Hmmm …
Could you maybe describe the holder?
- Well.. It says 40x ..


gman | posted 11-14-2000 04:47 PM profile | email | edit After 2 months of plannning and designing and converting CAD files for an interactive project. The storyboard is done, we have started design and have a proof prepared for viewing the content only.
me to middle man old school sales guy: Understand and be sure to tell the client that this is not functional, this is strictly just for content purposes. We want them to proof the content and make any necessary changes now.
middle man old school sales guy: ok ok ok.
client to middle man old school sales guy: I like the design but the navigation doesn’t work.
middle man old school sales guy: calls us direct and says the CD doesn’t work!!
me: Duh you dumb ass, I already told you, this is a mock up.
The client proceeded to send the proof CD back and only looked at 2 pages of 90.
Never the less, what should have been a 3 month project for 3000 bucks turned out to be a 7 month project for 6400 dollars. They made 4 major design changes after the agreement that the content was good. And in the end my “middle man old school sales guy” doesn’t want to pay b/c he doesn’t understand why it was so much money.
Does this sound familiar.


zibits | posted 11-14-2000 04:55 PM profile | email | edit A friend of mine was working tech support for an ISP in 1998. A kid who had just bought a computer and internet access needed some help logging on for the first time.
My friend: So now that the preferences are set, you can go ahead and connect.
(some modem noise, then silence)
Caller: Uh… now it says, “Connected”
My friend: That’s good. Is there anything else I can help you with?
(silence)
My friend: Hello?
Caller: … Is this the Internet?
My friend: Yeah, that’s what everyone’s been talking about.
>>Eventually, he opened Netscape.


yin | posted 11-15-2000 01:08 AM profile | email | edit i had this arsehole of a client whom i had already shown TWO drafts to already…..and that was after he critiqued the first one with stupid comments like “IF you did your research you would know that a site selling food must have pink and blue in it. just like my brochure.”
—–SEZ WHO???? HELLO KITTY? MICKEY MOUSE ? geez. :) brochure by the way is freakin FREAKIN’ ugly by any standards….its not even plain, or ordinary, its just UGLY. pink and blue checks ’nuff said, big, curly fonts in english AND chinese……anyway he likes the second one i did and then he suddenly checks out my quotations again and asks me rudely why its so expensive.
i explain the breakdown again and then nicely offer to give him a better price since its our first few jobs and i was pretty interested in doing his site……
i give him a good deal, he takes a week to get back to me, and when he does he triumphantly declares he managed to find another web designer who would do it for 50% off my price. and i am not even charging high-end, man. i offer to cut a little bit more, he takes another week and again comes back with yet another mysterious web designer who will do it for 80% off my price AND deliver it in one week.
he says in a tone like “beat this, you desigtner punk”, faxes me back my quote with big circles and words “why SO EXPENSIVE?”
i tell him there is no way i can even bother to match that guy’s price or timeline and tell him good luck and byebye.
i am just itching to see what his mysterious designer can do with that little cash in a week……its been a month and i still dont see his site anywhere….geez
darn clients.
LET’S START A WEBSITE just to swap ugly client stories! we can even have a great gallery with artstyles that clients love!
i’ll contribute a webpage with bevelled Amazon.com like tabs on top, font 14 point everywhere and EVERY HEADLINE BLINKS…….hey i’ll even throw in all the colours you can find in the web palette…..


perilous | posted 11-15-2000 02:35 AM profile | email | edit go for it.
and when you’re done i’ll give you a nice pat on the back!


oz | posted 11-15-2000 02:36 AM profile | email | edit project almost signed off after 6 months of development and we get a call -
them : “our md can’t see the whole thing on his screen, can you change it so that he can”
us : “what size is his screen and what resolution is he viewing it in?”
them: “er, he’s using a 14″ monitor”
us: “…..?…?…”


tJC | posted 11-15-2000 11:26 AM profile | email | edit i was sub-contracted, with guranteed pay, to work for a small ‘design’ company – their first ‘major’ website, and their (but not mine) first time utilising flash…
the client wants the following:
“we want flash, dhtml and java – it must have them all”
us: “ok… want kind of website style/design are you looking for?”
client: “well, we’ve seen AUDI’s site and we want it exactly like that!”
us: “but Audi spent a lot more money than you’re paying us, to get a site like that.”
client: “hmm, but we really want Audi’s site.”
a couple of bad ‘audi-inspired’ designs later, the client liked the layouts.
the client complained when we made the Flash movies a fixed size.
so we asked them what size monitor they’re using and at what resolution:
client: “we’ve got 21″ monitors at 1280×1024″
us: “but most of your web users will be using 800×600 on 15 or 17inch”
client: “it doesn’t matter – make it fill the screen.”
so we made it scalable, proportionatly.
client: “the movie doesn’t reach the top and bottom edges. it must fit the entire screen completely”
so we made it scalable, non-proportionatly, thus distorting all the text and bitmapped-logos and graphics. oh dear, oh dear. but the client was happy.
then they wanted all the text to be in Copperplate Gothic.
and they wanted all the text to be blurred, until it was ‘rolled-over’.
then, as if they couldn’t make it any worse, they wanted:
<blink> page curls </blink>
page curls!! urgh!
after getting this far (or low) I had to leave (I’d promised them minimum 4 weeks, a better job had arrived for me, and the design company felt happy working with the flash stuff)
the client paid a percentage of the money, so the design company paid me in cash when i left.in the end:
the final text (after eight weeks) was emailed two days before the deadline.
they accepted Tahoma as the text font instead.
the Flash ‘intro’ animation was 715Kb.
the entire site was purple and lime green (no, really!)
every flash section had to have the ‘page curl effect!’ every time it loaded!! and all the text beneath the page curl had to be blurred (so it had to be a large jpeg, so every page took an eternity to load on 56k)three weeks later, the client sent a cheque to the design company.
it bounced.
a phone call or two later, the company apologised and said they were awaiting funds from one of their own contracts – eventually they did get paid.
rather funnily though, the same client phoned up the same design company not long after and asked them if they’d do the Dutch-language version of the same website!
they politely declined…[This message has been edited by tJC (edited 11-15-2000).]

fuholee | posted 11-15-2000 11:34 AM profile | email | edit client : can you make a flash banner for my site?
me : you mean an animantion gif or a flash format?
client : i don’t know and don’t care, make sure it moves.
me : ……..


Hungry Tiger | posted 11-16-2000 09:20 PM profile | email | edit heh. I know this one isnt as good as the rest, but i thought it was a little… interesting?
i work for a webhosting company, www.9netave.ca… we do not provide outgoing mail service, only incoming… well here’s the quote:
me: 9net avenue
client: hi, my client and i are having an email problem, and we need some info from you
me: okay sir what information do you need?
client: well, we need you to tell us AOL’s outgoing mail server address…
me: pardon?
client: well we’re having problems sending mail, and we know we have to use our ISP’s SMTP server address, whats AOL’s SMTP server?
me: um, sir.. i dont know… did you try finding out from AOL?
client: huh?
me: this is 9net avenue… not AOL sir, did you ask them?
client: oh… um… yeh ill check with them then…. thanks
grah… theres AOL (Another Online Loser)


downlow | posted 11-16-2000 09:33 PM profile | email | edit just to be a nerd, I feel it’s necessary to point out that AOL doesn’t use any SMTP
addresses, or POP for that matter. Only wacky and proprietary mail systems.
Carry on.


sub-al | posted 11-17-2000 03:42 AM profile | email | edit me, presenting a realy nice costumized,player (4 weeks of work)for a livestreaming session, the day before it was to be used: like you descriped it….
big corporate client: yeah..but i changed my mind…..cant you bild it so it looks acsactly like real player?
Me:…………………….?


my | posted 11-17-2000 04:20 AM profile | email | edit Not a quote, but:
We’d asked a client to give us some text on a floppy-disc, and that was exactly what she did; she wrote the text ON the label ON the disc.
(it wasn’t a very long text)


God Says Design | posted 11-17-2000 04:34 AM profile | email | edit“Can you make our site not so, Webish”
OK?…


gizma | posted 11-17-2000 08:13 AM profile | email | edit “on the disk” – thats a good one lol :)


theta | posted 11-17-2000 11:12 AM profile | | edit Chairman of conservative political party about their site: “For the links section, could we write ‘lynx’ and maybe have an animated wildcat leaping at it or something?”
Me: “err… I don’t think that would communicate your image very well…”
He didn’t make me do it, thank heavens.


Catscape | posted 11-17-2000 11:23 AM profile | email | edit Rule of thumb #593: Never put a ‘rough draft’ of a site online so the client can see it. I did this and the client said “It’s perfect! Exactly what we’re looking for!”. It was a reeking turd, but it’s now the final product.
Quote from same client during a meeting (it’s a travel site):
client: “Can you make it sound like an airplane taking off?”
me: “Well, technically we can, but it will take an excessively long time for visitors to download the sound file.”
client: “I don’t want them to download it, I just want them to hear the airplane.”
[This message has been edited by Catscape (edited 11-17-2000).]


Monro | posted 11-17-2000 11:26 AM profile | email | editEveryone, really, this is the best thread I have ever read. Maybe we can start a new one for each week/month, just so’s the page doesn’t take so long to load – because, let’s face it, this thread AIN’T going to go away :)


BadCompany | posted 11-17-2000 11:49 AM profile | email | edit user:yea where can I lookup my .ca domain?
me: www.cira.ca
user:can you see what dns servers my domain points to?
me:(I just told you where you can look for it wtf?)um ok


rikabel | posted 11-17-2000 12:21 PM profile | email | edit okay, we were doing an intranet site for a client, nice guy and all, he wanted us to insert a paragraph of text…
‘sure, can you email it to us?’
‘no problem!’
the next day we get a 650KB email. he had scanned a fax of one paragraph of text at 300dpi and sent it uncompressed as an attachment.
marvellous. and it was still mostly illegible, being a crappy fax…
we had to laugh.


rikabel | posted 11-17-2000 12:28 PM profile | email | edit yep, definitely the best thread ever!
then there was the client (same company) who was, like, totally obsessed with the idea that all the links on the site should be jigsaw-piece shaped buttons.
she’d done a one-day html course (shudder).
and she ALWAYS called the @ symbol an ‘ampersand’ : “can we maybe have a big chrome spinning ampersand for the email link? because people associate the ampersand with the web, don’t they?”
bwah-aha-hah!


Navillus | posted 11-17-2000 01:22 PM profile | | edit Client: “I keep finding myself hitting the clear button instead of the submit button, and then the form clears out and I have to start all over again. Is there anything you can do to fix that?”
Un-fucking-believable


oxygen | posted 11-17-2000 04:29 PM profile | | edit to set the stage: we used to do a basic site layout for our mock ups that was fully functional. put it up on our test server and then give the client access.
did this for a client about six months ago.
called them about 3 days after they had time to review it and ask about their impression.
______________
ox: Hey, how are you today?
client: Great, got really drunk last night.
ox: Cool, have you guys gone over our mock site?
client: Yeah, but we don’t think we’re going to use you guys anymore. We’ll use your buyout and let our designers finish it.
ox: I didn’t think you had any designers that’s why you called us.
client: Well we didn’t either, but this guy here did something just like yours and he won’t charge us anything.
ox: Did he put it up for you to look at it?
client: Yeah, it’s just like yours. We had no idea he was that good.
ox: Oh really… could I get that link so I can see his work that’s interesting.
client: sure here you go (insert link here)
__________________
Went out to the site and the bastard just went into IE and did a little ‘save as’ and didn’t even take out any of the code it adds.
I had a conference call with our lawyer and myself with the client. We didn’t work with them anymore, but they didn’t put that site up either.
I never imagined anyone would be soo brass to do something like that and think they could not get caught.


Underscore | posted 11-17-2000 05:08 PM profile | email | editBest client quote I heard?
- Money is not a problem …


boelling | posted 11-17-2000 06:18 PM profile | | edit“We didn’t hire you for your ideas or your creativity, we hired you because the price was right”
straight from the folks at:

http://www.blumberg-capital.com/

Our firm forwarded them a ‘termination of project notice’ immediately.


Kraken | posted 11-17-2000 06:21 PM profile | email | editUnderscore…that’s the best quote a designer can hear. But then a week later, it changes to “why does this cost so much?”, “we can’t afford that, that’s not what we agreed on…”, or “well, we kinda, sorta can’t pay you for 6 months…”
Kraken


gizma | posted 11-17-2000 06:23 PM profile | email | edit well Navillus… Mr Neilson always says.. ‘clear’ buttons are useless on the web.


4midori | posted 11-17-2000 06:43 PM profile | email | edit I work in a department of a company that cranks out a large number of custom designs every month.
I created a static mock-up of a client’s home page. Since he did not provide any text content whatsoever, I used song lyrics as filler copy on it so he could see what it would look like with some text.
Following a change in department policy on our tolerance for clients that ignore our calls, the account manager called the client and left a message that his site would go live soon if he did not contact us shortly. This is mainly to scare the client into contacting us and getting off his/her ass.
The client called back, enraged, thinking that we would release his site to the public complete with song lyrics instead of appropriate text. He was initially subdued, but later contacted a bigwig in upper management complaining again.
A meeting was held with almost no notice before I arrived one morning. The other ten designers were yelled at and told not to put song lyrics on mock-ups. Later I was told privately by my boss that from now on, we were to use the same generic filler copy for every mock-up.
The client later said he wanted his site to look like another site he showed us; it was pretty bad.[This message has been edited by 4midori (edited 11-17-2000).]


moritat | posted 11-17-2000 06:47 PM profile | email | editExcerpts from a single conversation with the owner of a client company. Try to imagine a gruff, hotheaded old cowboy (literally) who spends his ample free time riding Harleys (fast horses) cross-country where there’s “no ‘lectricity and the only webs are made by spiders.”
Me: “I understand you have some questions about your company’s website?”
Client: “I have people telling me they’ve seen the site, but it’s not working.”
Me: “It’s not working? You mean parts of it aren’t working well for you or…”
Client: “Shyeah! It isn’t working at all. I can’t see it all! Ha!”
Me: “Are you certain you are entering the address correctly?”
Client: <grunts> “Well what’s the name again?”
Me: “It’s www.*******.com, your company’s name but with a dot-com at the end.”
Client: “Wha?”
Me: “You know, dot-com. The ‘dot’ is a period and the ‘com’ is spelled c-o-m.”
Client: “Nope! Try again!”> A short while later, after ensuring him that he did not need “hdtp” beginning the URL in his browser, explaining the differences between a forward-slash and back-slash, advising against the use of spaces within his domain name and ultimately determing that his internet connection had not been working for some time…Client: “So you’re telling me MY website is under my company manager’s name?” <voice beginning to raise>
Me: “Uh, yes, I believe the *domain name* is, yes. But it was registered with whatever information you or she provided. Remember, we weren’t responsible for setting up your domain name and a domain name and a website aren’t the sa-”
Client: “Her name!? God*damn*it.” <dramatic pause> <begins to fume> “Well what if I die!? Huh? Answer me that! What if I die?”
Me: “Uh, excuse me?”
Client: “What if I die, then what happens to it!?”
Me: “If you… You mean the domain na-”
Client: <laughs loudly and incredulously>
Me: “Sir, you-”
Client: “It’s MY damn company, not her’s! I own the sonuvabitch!! If I die and this website isn’t *legally* in my name then whaddayou think is supposed to happen to it!?
Me: “I-”
Client: “I’ll tell you what! The lawyers’ll get a hold of it!”
Me: “The lawyers?”
Client: “The DAMN lawyers!”
Me: “Oh. Look sir, I think maybe you’re-”
Client: <grumbling about the damn lawyers>
Me: “-exaggerating matters here. Nobody’s going to take your website from you, because you… I mean *if* you… you die. Do you think you’re going to… erm… Look-”
Client: <another incredulous guffaw> “Son, have you ever had to deal with the lawyers!?”> I hadn’t. This went on for 20 minutes before I was able to talk him down. By the end he was all buddy-buddy.Me: “Well, I’m glad I could help sort some of this out for you. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Client: “You bet! I have another question.”
Me: “Sure! Shoot.”
Client: “Do my pictures zoooom!”
Me: “Zoom? Your pictures? You mean on the website?”
Client: “Yeah, do they zoom!? I think they should zooooom! I was just reading all about the new technology and everyone’s making their websites zoom. Y’know, so you can see all the way into the detail or go way out and look at the picture real small.”

-you heard it here first: woe be the webdesigner who’s websites don’t zoooom!-


mrbula | posted 11-17-2000 06:50 PM profile | email | edit From a client responding to a prototype with ‘lorem ipsum’ text on it:
“Why’s the site written in Spanish? The partners are definitely going to want to know what that’s about!”
Another favorite incident, this during an attempt to explain the screen resolution issue to a client:
Me: “Well, we really don’t know what size the user’s monitor is going to be…”
Client: “What’s the average monitor size?”
Me: “There really isn’t one, so…”
At which point the client pulls out a ruler and puts it up against computer screen.


Navillus | posted 11-17-2000 08:44 PM profile | | editRE: “well Navillus… Mr Neilson always says.. ‘clear’ buttons are useless on the web.”
True, but the same client I mentioned above didn’t want me to remove the clear button (I practically begged for it). They wanted me to fundamentally change the way it worked. In the end I had to throw a javascript verification window up when they clicked the button that asked, “You have chosen to clear this form, are you sure you wish to proceed?”
Sheesh.
Nav


newtasty | posted 11-18-2000 02:47 PM profile | email | edit I got three here (clients are a strange breed) ;)
———————————————————
<client> “It’s great – but can you change the colour of the header type as it isn’t quite right?”
<us> “really? I thought it was okay, do you have any suggestions as to what colour you would like it?”
<client> “I better ask my wife what she thinks, I’m colour blind so I might get it wrong”
———————————————————
<client> I love it but could you put a one inch space between menu bat at the top and the content on every page?
———————————————————
(chasing up payment on a purchase order for the design of a housestyle for a PORTAL site)
<client> I’m sorry we aren’t paying anything for it, it’s not what we were looking for.
<us> what exactly do you mean?
<client>It looks too much like a portal
———————————————————[This message has been edited by newtasty (edited 11-18-2000).]


inaeo | posted 11-18-2000 06:16 PM profile | email | edit I just spent about 50 minutes reading this… its great stuff!.
I have a few examples:
The client wanted a website about bands:
[client] I want you to do the logo like mp3.com, but not so dont get in trouble.
[me] Uhh… ok
next day
[me] Here, how are these… they don’t look too similar but convey the same feel.
[client] What? You haven’t done much??!…
(he contacted me at 11pm the night before, and had expected me to have produced a couple of layouts, and 10-20 logos or something ridiculous. this was as a freelance thing, so i did it all in spare time).
[client] ok. well I’m sending the list of bands today, can you put them all on the front page in a list down the sides.
[me] Uhh, dont you thi###
[client] just do it!!.
[me] ok.
(made a few layouts)
[client] ok, i like this one, but can you make the background light yellow instead of light grey? (see jakob’s site for a similar color)
[me] well, that would unba###
[client] look! you make what we tell you!
well this went on a while longer with similar upstets, and i got another great one:
[client] ok, can you put a drawn picture of me and my partner dressed in business suits looking funky talking on phones and stuff?
[me] well we dont really do drawings, but i’ll see what we can do. do you have any photos of you for reference?
[client] no, but i have black hair and brown eyes, and *** (his partner) has brown hair and brown eyes.
[me] great.
(more time)
[client] ok, so how is the content going?
[me] I’m still waiting for you to send it.
[client] well, i gave you the list…
[me] right. so you want the band title and nothing else on each page?
[client] no! i want you to get a photo of each band as a group, and then seperately of each of the membembers, write a short history of the band an###
[me] stop.
[client] why? we’re paying you!!!
[me] yes, but we design websites we don’t write the content.
[client] you make websites.
[me] we design websites, you write content.
[client] ok, 0 off the price
[me] we are only charging you 0 (!!)
[client] well yeah, i mean making pictures isnt hard.
[client] oh yeah, i dont like that picture of us either
[client] it should look like this [url]
[me] thats a piece of clipart
[client] yeah. make some.
[me] you expect all this for when?
[client] next weekend (this was wednesday)
[me] yes, as i suspected. you want all this for 0? in this timeframe?
[client] yup
[me] thats not possible
[client] my way or the high way!
[me] this contract is terminated.
then we discovered the pair were aged 12 & 13.
<blink>arrghh!</blink>
i also had another one
[client] can i use some images off you’re webpage?
[me] what for? wouldnt you rather us design a proper site for you?
[client] oh yes? youdo that?
[me] did you actually read the site or just look at the images?
[client] ahh, yes, i couldnt remeber which HomePage it was.
<ARG>
[client] well, ok, can you do one for us. i want it like sony.com
[me] what products are you selling? what kind of business do you run
[client] ***
[me] ok, what sections would youlike you page split up into?
[client] like sony.com
[me] oook. that number, in that style?
[client] yeah, just like sony.com
[me] ok. i have to go now.
(my giraffe is on fire, honest! just let me go!!)
a while later after a string more of likesony.com’s we decided that the deal was not going to well and gave up.
<blink>arrghh!</blink>
pretty much says it all.


grim | posted 11-18-2000 08:20 PM profile | | edit One of my friends tol me this :->>
Secretary : “My girlfriend said that this Internet thing is quite cool. Could you write the INTERNET on a cd for me?”
For sure.


grim | posted 11-18-2000 08:21 PM profile | | edit One of my friends told me this :->>
Secretary : “My girlfriend said that this Internet thing is quite cool. Could you write the INTERNET on a cd for me?”
For sure.


flamurai | posted 11-18-2000 08:49 PM profile | email | editgood story, not from me, from a friend. (he was young and idealistic when this all happened.)
d = designer, c = client.
c: before we get started, i’d like you to tell me what you think about this brochure of ours.
d: ok… [looks it over, decides not to blow smoke up c's ass, and proceeds to tell c that it is crap.]
c: my wife designed it.
good way to lose a client. (but is it a client worth losing?)


N8 | posted 11-18-2000 09:28 PM profile | email | editClient (January): “We have a one month timeframe for this website to launch.”
<proceed to hustle and bustle, getting domain name and server space and site designed (a few days early even). Most content, however, still not received from client at the end of one month>
Client (NOVEMBER!!): “I swear, I’m working on getting the rest of the info to you, it’s just that I’m sooo busy, ya know?!”

This entry was written by Tofslie, posted on November 17, 2007 at 9:28 pm, filed under Blog News. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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